I’ve mentioned it a time or two on this blog about being bipolar. I have been a highly functioning
By nature, I am an inquisitive, hyperactive person. I am constantly having to do something…usually something mental. For example, my job is mental. I am a problem solver and I write technical articles for our support service vendor. I also am working on finishing my Bachelor’s with my eyes set on graduate school. Along with 6 credit hours of upper level classes and a full time job, I also have a highly functioning special needs 23 year old who is struggling to find a place in the world for himself and maneuvering the wonderful world of voc rehab, a 19 year old who cannot figure out what to be when he grows up and can’t NOT break something on his car or slow down, and a 16 year old with a social life. We also live far out of town so everything requires driving and gas money.
This past November I participated in the National Novel Writing Month and completed it! Woo Who! Talk about mental! Add on to that, that I have started to have some medical issues that have not made me sick but have required test after test after test and lots of waiting. Then add to that, difficulties of others not playing nicely at work…between departments, systems office, employees and just people in general. Toss in a side of one income and lots of bills with a splash of Christmas gifts and what do you have? One cycle crazy bipolar struggling not to snap.
Let me just add that I am not the crazy up on the bell tower picking people off with an AK something or another. No, other than the random snapping at you biting your head off I am the crazy lock myself in my room and sleep for days or go shopping and spend the mortgage money crazy. I am border then whole snapping at people and going to sleep for a month at the moment. I hate this feeling. Everything is stressing me yet I have enough knowledge of my…heck what do you call it? A disease? A disorder? A case of the crazies? Whatever you call it I have enough knowledge of myself to know I walk a fine line. I know that everyone cannot possible be this annoying and idiotic (although some are very close to my perception at the moment). I would give anything sometimes to be “normal”. Of course, I would probably have to give up my creativity, my think way outside of the box approach and I would not have the wild moments of bravery that lets me venture out into the world unafraid.
Why am writing this post about being basically on the line to being insane? Because I guess I just want someone to know I am fighting it and if there’s someone else out there in the same boat, we can form regatta of off kilterness. (Yes I know that isn’t a word). For all those, who don’t have a handle on the mental issues that strike you, just know you are not alone and there is help. I know I am blessed by my support system and the knowledge that I have gained over the years. I also know the moments when you can’t tell if your paranoia is justified or if it’s in your head. I also know that feeling of complete and utter uselessness. It doesn’t have to always be that way.
So tonight while I want to scream and shout and let it all out. I sit here and type this; hoping for relief from this downward cycle. I know it is temporary and I will swing back up to a level balance and life will be ok again. Never perfect. Never too bad. Never not fixable. And that my friends is basically all I have. Perhaps I’ll go find something to distract my racing mind as it slides down the corridor of negativity and remember for a brief moment, the many blessings I have. The tricks of the trade…distract my mind. I’ll smile and remember it’s ok not to be fixed…it’s ok to be broken.
If you suffer from depression or if you just need help please contact your local mental health provider or visit http://www.nami.org/ for more information. Education really is power.